YO MOMMA'S SO FAT
You’d think with all the running around I do I’d actually lose the weight.
I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant. I guess that’s what happens when you eat macaroni and cheese and donuts every day and grow another human being. I’m not proud of it, but while I was doing it, it was amazing. Everyone kept asking me all those cliché questions like “are you craving anything?” I was craving to eat everything that a person would love to eat if they didn’t care how much they weighed or if they had diabetes. Luckily somehow on a jelly bean and a prayer I passed the glucose tolerance test. Go figure. Now though, it’s not so amazing. I am still eating like I'm pregnant, however I no longer am and my excuses are quickly getting old. Personally I was hoping the shelf life on the “just” in “I just had a baby” was give or take a couple years, but apparently society is not nearly that forgiving. Everyone says it takes 9 months to put the weight on, give yourself some time to lose it. But I’m 8 months postpartum and unfortunately, it’s way past time to get moving.
So I’m really trying to lose the baby weight.
I don’t even know what I mean by that. If trying means occasionally going to the gym and regularly still eating everything in sight, then I’m trying. There’s really only 2 nonsurgical ways to lose weight. It’s actually pretty simple in theory, not so simple in execution. EAT LESS. BURN MORE. It all comes down to math. I know this. I've done it a million times. Calorie counter. Gym rat. Tiny food container eater. I've done all of it. So now let’s examine each of the factors one at a time.
This part has always been my problem. I am so hungry it’s ridiculous and I love eating (all the wrong things). At first I thought it was because I was breastfeeding and you need to take in extra calories (like eating 6 bags of “lactation cookies” and a pound of pasta), but you also burn them making milk. That last part has got to be a lie lactation consultants made up to encourage women to breastfeed. Think about it. Women would do almost anything if it burned tons of extra calories and promised weight loss, including let a small human attack their breasts for nutrition. I used this as an excuse the entire time I was breastfeeding, kicking the fat can down the road, and saying I’d really start losing the weight once I stopped feeding. Well newsflash. I did, and I haven’t.
I used to love working out. I used to get up at 5:30AM to go to the gym and do cardio for 50 minutes. 5-0. Now I’m exhausted after 5. That is if I even bother starting. When faced with the choice to workout or sleep for an extra hour, I’ll let you guess which one I choose. I tried to run on the treadmill when I was breastfeeding but it was like having 2 giant water balloons attached to my chest so that didn’t last long. I know my muscles are in there somewhere under multiple layers of blubber, if only I could find them. The other day I did one sit-up and my abs were like “ohhhh hey there” and then I couldn’t move for a week. When my only exercise each day was the stupid dancing I did while brushing my teeth because I felt guilty about barely moving and clearly the "tooth brushing boogie" really works up quite a sweat, I knew we had a problem. So I got the Apple Watch in an attempt to motivate myself to finally get going.
Yes, clearly that's why I needed it. Welcome to the height of delusion.
However the poor thing has to remind me to get off my fat ass every hour, and my son has decided that it’s his new special toy and grabs at it incessantly. One time his tiny fingers told the watch that I went for a run (when I obviously did not) and then I’m pretty sure he bought something with my Apple Pay. Probably a lifetime membership to Weight Watchers…