• J Mess


When I typed aspirator into my phone, it was changed to aspiration. But this is not what I aspire to do.

One of the stories my friend told me that went along with the “nobody tells you the truth about it because then nobody would do it” was about her friend’s baby and a stuffy nose. It went something like this. The baby had a lot of mucus. Mom had a straw. Mom sucked said mucus out of baby’s nose into her mouth. At the time of this story, I had a 3-week-old and the idea of this ever happening was so far beyond my reality that I said “gross” and moved on.

Now I have a 5-month-old with a severe case of the sniffles.

When I lay him down to sleep, it sounds like I have a warthog instead of a baby. The mucus is making it difficult for him to breathe and it’s not like he can just use a tissue. I have the Boogie Wipes with saline but he didn’t seem so thrilled with me attempting to shove them up his nose. So I asked my friend Google what to do. Saline nasal spray and an aspirator. There’s the old bulb variety or this newer contraption called the NoseFrida that is basically a straw that you suck the snot through. Whaddya know!

On my trusty lunch hour that I use to frequent the Buy Buy Baby and buy buy for my baby, I obtain the NoseFrida. It’s positioned right in the front of the store, because apparently it’s a snotty time of year. I check out with my favorite cashier friend (who clearly does not want to be my friend because when I jokingly say, “this should be fun later” about sucking snot out of my baby’s nose, she stares blankly at me and asks if I have any coupons.) As if I needed another thing on my to-do list at night, I plan how and when I’m going to snot suck.

I'll probably do it on the changing table which is at a good height for holding someone down and sticking a weird thing into their nose.

First I must spray the saline solution up his nose. This proves difficult since he refuses to stay still. Once I’m fairly confident that I’ve successfully sprayed, I get out the sucker. I think this might be the weirdest thing I’ve ever done. He fights back a bit, especially when I half forget what I’m supposed to be doing and blow into the tube instead of suck. But then his face immediately changes to a mix of surprise, confusion, and relief as the snot comes pouring out of his nose into the sucker. Guys, it was crazy. And strangely satisfying, like popping zits! This thing is genius (as long as I also don't get sick). He sounds 1000 times better and now I can add “Expert snot sucker” to my resume.

Now how do you clean this snotty thing?...

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