• J Mess


Of all the milestones, this one terrifies me the most.

I've decided to ignore it. The fact that pretty soon we'll have to potty train Nathan. If I ignore it, maybe someone else will just do it for me, like day care or my parents. Or maybe he'll just train himself, when he's 15. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. And it's not going to be nearly as easy as getting rid of the paci was. And I'm an easily frustrated person. And I'd like to do anything I can to avoid having to read books about it. And actually do it. At this rate Syd will be going on the potty before Nathan. Seriously, I'll pay you to do it. Somebody. Anybody. Please?

On second thought, do I even want this? I mean obviously eventually I'll have no choice, he can't wear diapers forever. But then I'll have a whole different set of problems on my hands. Accidents. Finding a potty everywhere we go. Constantly reminding him and nagging him about going. Maybe I should just keep him in diapers as long as I can! In my very limited reading on the topic, they do say that boys train later and can take longer to learn. And honestly, as you can tell I'm not in any hurry. But there's this weird peer pressure going on. Not on Nathan, on me. Like mommy peer pressure. Some of the other moms are potty training and talking about it, and then I feel like the only degenerate who is a complete disaster and isn't doing anything. I don't want Nathan to be the only kid left in diapers. I don't want to miss my potty training window. But I can't magically make him want to go on the potty. Even the peer pressure that I pass along to him isn't working.

I ask him everyday, Nathan, who uses the potty at school? "Sam, Arya, and Nate B." What about Nate M? "NO." Alrighty then.

It's not that I don't have all of the equipment. It's that I don't have any motivation or time to actually get this done. And to get it done, you have to go all-in. You can't somewhat potty train. You've got to fully commit, 100% beast mode potty training bootcamp. Because once you start, you can't stop. You're either doing it, or you're just potty practicing. Or what we're currently doing, which seems more like potty playing. We got him a tiny potty a while ago so we could see if he was interested in it and let him feel like it belonged to him. But all he does is sit on it with his clothes on, throw toys into it, flush it to hear the sound and basically just use it as a doorstop. Since that wasn't alluring, I also got potty books, a step stool, and a potty seat for the big potty. As instructed by one of my friends, who is way more motivated than I am, I also have insane bribes like prizes and unending candy. I've got 700 pairs of underwear and a box of pull ups. If only Amazon Prime could potty train my kid, life would be great.

When the pull ups arrived I tried to get him really excited about them. He thinks everything that comes in a box is a present, so he was pumped to open them up. We ripped open the box and I tried to explain to him that these were special "big boy diapers" that were easier for him to get on and off by himself if he had to go to the potty. I was careful not to call them underwear so I didn't confuse him. My husband and I had spent a lot of time thinking about how to refer to these with very deliberate language, and it paid off. Because 3 seconds into our discussion, Nathan hit me in the face with a Baby Shark bath toy and then ran away.

Clearly this is not going well. Although we had one mild success when he used the potty with my mom, and then told me he "only goes with YaYa," it's probably time to give up for a bit and try again in a couple of months. Unless my mom is planning on moving in with us. In the meantime I've been consistently telling him to let us know when he has to go, so we can go in the potty not in our pants. Not in our pants. Not in our pants. I keep repeating not in our pants. And just when I thought I wasn't getting through to him, Josh came downstairs the other night to let me know that Nathan had pooped!!! OMG he pooped in the potty??! Well, no not exactly. He pooped in the bath. Yep, he pooped while in the bathtub. Sigh. I suppose that's a couple feet to the left of the potty... and technically not in his pants. Soooo seems like we're making progress...

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