• J Mess


The service here is terrible.

Moms wear many hats. I’m mom the caretaker. Mom the entertainer. Mom the chauffeur. Mom the commuter. Mom the stylist. Mom the maid. Mom the worker. Mom the washer. Mom the waitress. Mom the feeder. Mom the busboy. Mom the chef. I basically run all the operations at my own hotel and restaurant for a tiny, and very discerning critic.

Who knew I was so enterprising?! I’m like a prettier Martha Stewart.

I’ve really been hitting the homemade baby food thing hard. I even pondered starting my own baby-food making business, aptly named Nathan’s Noshes, at which I would make fresh, homemade baby food in my kitchen and deliver it to lucky paying customers in the form of frozen cubes. It’d be like going to Costco and getting a giant bag of frozen popcorn chicken, only it’s baby food and I made it and brought it to your house. My father and I cooked up this little idea while we were cooking up a million varieties of artisan infant delicacies. It seemed weird that baby food was only sold in jars or in pouches, but not frozen. Maybe there’s actually a market for this?

If there is, I better get my act together. Just when I thought I had mastered baby food 101 (after I put the blade in the food processor and plugged it in), it was time to move beyond single fruit or vegetable purees into combos and proteins. I guessed it was time because my son seemed bored with the 1 new food a week he’s allowed and at this rate he’d be 45 before he got to try everything. So I did hours of research about which proteins he could eat and how to prepare them… into a finely pureed mush. I finally settled on egg yolks, quinoa, greek yogurt and chicken as the first set of proteins we would try.

Egg yolks were mostly a success besides my entire house smelling like sulfur. I hid them in an avocado and banana puree and it was a fun game of “secret protein.” Nathan had no idea what he was eating. Quinoa not so much. Apparently you have to thoroughly wash it first by using a fine mesh strainer. A mesh what now? Well that’ll be here in 2 days from Amazon Prime, but for now, what on-the-fly genius Mom-gyver ideas do I have to clean quinoa? Maybe I’ll try putting it in a paper towel? Water goes through the towel but solids don’t. Genius! More like giant fail. Quinoa was stuck to everything, my hands, the towel, and then the towel broke.

Didn’t I see this on a Bounty commercial once with strawberries and the towel doesn’t break? LIES.

Quinoa. Everywhere. Like tiny grains of sand I will be finding this crap all over my kitchen for years to come. Okay what’s next? How about a coffee filter? Water goes through the filter but solids don’t. Genius! Or another giant fail. The coffee filter also broke. Quinoa was stuck to everything. And everywhere. At this point I gave up. Screw you quinoa. I collected whatever was left, which I decided was washed enough, put it in a bowl, and banished it to the microwave. When it was finally cooked, I pureed it with some apples and pears. It actually looked delicious. Maybe I should give it another chance? What if he loves it?

Well love is a strong word. My efforts were fully rewarded when I excitedly fed it to him… and he literally gagged…


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