• J Mess


I haven’t showered in so long, that when it snowed today I was like “ooooh water.”

I am juggling this mom and work and life thing and thus far I’m barely holding it together. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store mirror at the mall the other day and recoiled in horror. I looked like a strung out, overweight, homeless raccoon. Baggy sweatpants, sloppy Uggs, greasy hair, yesterday’s makeup, a weird turtleneck and an ill-fitting jacket (since nothing closes over my gigantic chest.) I did an immediate about-face right out of the store where put-together people shop because even the mannequins were embarrassed for me. Girl, please.

Not that I had any business shopping for clothing anyway. All the clothes that somewhat fit me are piled up in one of the hampers that I have commandeered as my new drawer. But I can’t find anything in there so I keep going to get more clothes from elsewhere in the house, which get worn and washed and then end up on top of the hamper drawer. It’s a vicious cycle. I could put it all away, but where? When? Why bother.

Not to mention that I also had a cavity. The literal 2 minutes it takes to use my electric toothbrush is more time than I have. So congratulations husband, I’m a prize.

And so is your son. The one covered from head to toe in shit that I just emergency wrapped in a wee wee pad because I ran out of wipes and the antibiotic they prescribed him for his ear infection gave him diarrhea.

I didn’t realize being a mom actually meant being a "momGyver." But my problem solving skills are on fleek lately.

I know exactly how it happened. I sent most of the wipes packages to day care and wasn’t expecting him to be home sick for 3 days. I knew the Amazon Prime subscription wasn’t coming until the next week. I watched the wipes dwindle down. I even mentioned to my husband the night before that he might have to go buy some. Then the next morning when I realized there were exactly 2 left, I begged my friend to go buy some for me and drop them off before shit happened. Then shit happened, while I was upstairs without my phone or access to any emergency wipe stash in a diaper bag. I couldn’t leave him on the changing table and I couldn’t put him elsewhere covered in crap… so I wrapped him like a doody burrito in the wee wee pad and ran downstairs just in time to see my friend pulling into the driveway with the wipes.

Hallelujah! I need to clean up my act fast…


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