• J Mess


A horror movie about a deadly pandemic and being locked in the house with your kids.

I don't like horror movies at all. Because I don't like to be scared. I never understood why anyone would pay $20 to have the bejeezus scared out of them by creepy dolls and zombies. I barely like going into my own basement by myself at night if I'm home alone. Although on second thought, wouldn't it be nice to be home alone these days. Somehow I survived this nightmare of a summer. Barely. School starts again on Wednesday and although I'm anxious about it from a health perspective, it may actually be the healthiest thing for all involved. Because I have literally aged 375 years in the last 6 months. And although we've made incredible strides like potty training and big boy bed, we've also regressed in listening, taking any direction or having any structure in life. And we've developed an epic potty mouth. Which is why we needed to up the ante with regard to my threats for better behavior and honestly, these days I'm even beginning to scare myself a little.

I am so dark and horrifying that they even asked me to speak at the Republican National Convention.

Literally nothing will make Nathan listen to me. I ask him to do something and he ignores me. I yell at him and he laughs at me. So now I've just gone evil. It was a last resort, but I have to say it's pretty effective. At getting me written up by Child Protective Services. Remember when your parents used to say "if you make that face, it's gonna stay that way?" Well now I tell Nathan that if he eats candy all day long and doesn't brush his teeth, they're going to fall out of his head. Which isn't really that far from the truth. When he still refuses, I tell him that the dentist will have to drill into his mouth. And it'll hurt. A lot. Again, not really a lie. Usually that does the trick. I really have no idea why this kid will not just listen until I go full out macabre. But he won't. Like when I told him if he didn't stop touching the flywheel on the Peloton while Josh was riding, his finger would come off. Then he'd have no fingers. Please don't think badly of me. I obviously don't start off there, but when "please stop," "I've asked you 300 times," and "you're going to get hurt" still don't work, sometimes you have to go balls to the wall.

If you thought "The Man" was scary, wait until you see the sequel: The Man Returns. Proposed movie poster pic above.

I've also been forced to bring back The Man. But this time he's a lot more terrifying. Threatening to call the "birthday fairy" clearly was not scary enough. So now I tell Nathan that if he doesn't do as I say, not only is The Man going to come, but now he's going to take Nathan away. In the dark. While he's sleeping. I know, I know. Bad. But this kid cannot be fooled. Usually he immediately does whatever it was I was asking him to do, with a slightly frantic look in his eye, but deep down he definitely knows I'm full of it. Because the other day I told Nathan The Man was at the door, and he simply said the door was locked. So I said maybe The Man would come in the window instead. And Nathan said the windows were also locked. So I said maybe The Man was already in the house. Even as I tell you I said that, I'm creeped out. What the hell is wrong with me? Is this what 6 months of confinement does to a person? I've literally become deranged. But Nathan just smiled and said, no the man's car isn't here or something mildly dismissive like that. Then I said, well maybe The Man is right behind you. He turned around quickly, laughed, then turned around slowly, looked right at me and said, no mom, The Man is right behind YOU. And Checkmate...


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