• J Mess


Then one night I went out to dinner with some mom friends.

I told you the best stories would start this way. And I promise you this one will not disappoint. It doesn't happen often because the truth is, I barely go anywhere. It's not that I don't have any friends or want to be social, it's just that I'm tired and busy, and mostly tired. I try to play mah jongg once a week so I can get a jump start on retirement, but other than that, I don't get out much.

Recently I had plans on both Friday and Saturday nights which literally never happens. Friday night was a success. Kid was fed, bathed, and asleep when I got home. So I figured it was safe to go out again Saturday night. And everything seemed to be going fine. I got photos and videos of Nathan playing outside having a grand ole time while I was at the "Pump and Dump" comedy show with an entire horde of other mothers laughing about how insanely hard it is to be a mother while they were finally out without their children. Because it's true. And while laughing at a song about how much easier dad's have it, I remarked to myself how great my husband had been the last 2 nights taking care of Nathan. He hadn't called or texted asking what he should feed Nathan for dinner or how to put the extra pad inside his diaper. He seemed to really be on top of everything, and when I came home and he mentioned that Nathan had also brushed his teeth after dinner, I could barely even believe it. I should go out more often I thought to myself!

The next morning while I was sitting at the kitchen table feeding Nathan breakfast I happened to notice a toothbrush under some papers. Normally I wouldn't think twice about it because there are tons of unexplained crap things on my table at all times, but I hadn't seen this brush in a long time so I figured I'd inquire. I picked up the brush, turned to my husband and simply asked "why is this out?" He looked at me matter-of-factly and said "it's Nathan's toothbrush."

It all hit me quickly at that moment as my brain started processing and piecing together what had transpired. I came home and was told Nathan had brushed his teeth and was so impressed. I found this toothbrush on the table and my husband just told me it was Nathan's toothbrush. There's only one problem with all of this. Oh, and it's a biggie. This is in fact NOT Nathan's toothbrush... it's THE CAT'S TOOTHBRUSH.

I screamed. I'm not proud of it, but I screamed.

I think a crazy person might have taken over my body because I lost control and went berserk. You brushed our child's teeth with the cat's toothbrush??? The. Cat's. Toothbrush. I mean, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been the toothbrush that I use to scrub poop off of things. But also you brushed our child's teeth with the cat's toothbrush. Like put it inside our child's mouth. I cycled through possibly every synonym for disgusting that I could come up with during my unhinged rant while my husband stood there shellshocked unsure whether to keep quiet or bust out laughing. He continued to tell me that there wasn't much I could do about it now, it happened and Nathan survived. I guess that's man-logic for oops and sorry. But I just kept looking at that toothbrush and imagining Nathan putting it into his mouth and my husband patting himself on the back for a job well done. Really aced it there, bro.

Look, I'm no idiot. I know my son is going to do gross things. He's a child and a boy, its inevitable. He's going to eat worms, dirt, or his own boogers. He touches his poop. He picks up garbage and shiny things he sees in the parking lot. There's not much I can do about it. We're just building immunity right? But for some reason, this toothbrush thing really bothered me. Just because it seemed like such an avoidable mistake. Nathan's toothbrush looks nothing like that, nor does it reside in the cabinet with ALL OF THE CAT THINGS.

Since a few weeks have passed and Nathan is no worse for wear, I think I can finally try to laugh about this unfortunate incident. Because it is pretty funny. And yes, since you're wondering, we do brush our cat's teeth. At least we did... not sure I remember the last time that toothbrush was used for anything other than... nope still not funny, still really disgusting...


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