• J Mess

CANDY LAND

This quarantine is being brought to you by the word sugar.


When Nathan was a baby I was very careful about what he ate. He was my first child and I wanted to ensure he was getting nutritious, clean foods. I made all my own baby food and often would read product labels in the supermarket in an effort to avoid anything that had insane amounts of added sugar or corn syrup. Yogurt? I'd buy plain and add my own pureed fruit. Frozen pancakes? I'd skip the big brand and buy the organic. I knew this was borderline crazy and at best a temporary effort. I couldn't control this forever even if I wanted to. Eventually he was going to eat processed food, get treats from grandparents, cupcakes at birthday parties, snacks at friend's houses, happy meals. It was inevitable. It was going to happen at some point. And it has. With a vengeance.


Now, I am basically running the Willy Wonka Home School.

It started off innocently enough. We were using lollipops and gummy sharks as potty training bribes. He'd pee on the potty and then immediately demand a gummy shark. This would happen multiple times a day. He was definitely eating more candy than I was comfortable with but I had to do anything it took to keep him motivated to use the potty. So when the fancy gummy sharks from a candy store in Maine ran out, I panicked and had to order some second-rate reinforcements off Amazon. However these gummy sharks apparently weren't up to Nathan's newly acquired and quite discerning sweet tooth. We still had the giant bag of lollipops, but my husband had begun plugging Nathan's mouth with them to keep him quiet during conference calls and because they were so abundant, they were no longer desired as a potty reward. I needed something else.


So I started looking for other gummy candy on my Target app. Strangely a lot of it wasn't available for shipping and I began to get frustrated. Not shipping sugar seems like salt in the pandemic wound. How is this not considered essential? Then I stumbled upon a small bag of gummy bears that would ship and immediately added it to my cart. Then I saw gummy peach rings. Without even thinking I added those to my cart also. I got a couple other snacks and things for the house and then I blindly checked out. When I got the shipping notices, I realized that the gummy peaches were shipping separately but I didn't think anything of it. That happens sometimes with Target orders. You can order 5 things and get 5 different boxes. I should know, I order from Target and Amazon 15 times a day. Seemed weird but not out of the norm. Until it arrived.


The box was on the small side, but heavy. Really heavy. And upon opening it I suddenly realized why. I had ordered 5 pounds of gummy peaches. 5 pounds. I stared at the bag dumbfounded and just started to laugh. How did I possibly not realize the size of the bag when I added it to my cart? Wouldn't this be considered "bulk" candy and shouldn't it have been marked as such? Who knew they sold bulk candy at Target? How did I not realize when I went to check out and pay? What in the world did I pay for this? So many questions. So I went back to check my receipt and apparently this gigantic bag of candy cost me $20 and I never bothered to think that was at all strange when I ordered a couple things from Target and it cost me $60. Well at least I can be thankful I didn't order 2 bags! This kid is going to have diabetes by the time this is all over...

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