• J Mess

BOSS BABY

Please for the love of God stop screaming at me.


My new boss is kind of a jerk. He’s super demanding, loud, extremely cranky and sometimes needy. I have to do everything for him. But deep down I think he’s a good person and I love him. Except when he yells at me. Which recently has become quite often. It’s not really a yell per se, more of a screechy squeal. Like in a pitch only dogs can hear. It makes my brain start to bleed and I am desperate to make it stop. I’ve tried NO!, STOP!, but those seem to just make him laugh at me. Silly employee, am I bothering you with my vocal stylings? One time I got so frustrated I put my hand over his mouth to make the pain stop, but that’s just a temporary fix. The only thing that seems to work is to literally yell back in his face. He is so startled that he momentarily stops screeching and ponders how to get even with me, then screeches louder. Obviously that strategy is the worst one of all, and probably makes me a terrible mother.


AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I've enjoyed a full week of this noise and another one coming up, since camp is over and school doesn't start until September 4. I seriously don't know how you stay-at-home moms do it, I'm in awe of you. I want to drive over to the school, bang the door down, and beg them to take my screaming child back. Yet instead I’m left hoping this is just another one of those developmental milestones and as they say “this too shall pass.” He’s either really bored being stuck only with me, really frustrated because he wants to communicate something and he cannot talk, he simply wants attention, or he has an impressive vocal range and he’s practicing his singing. I guess “he’s got some lungs” isn’t the worst thing to be said about a singer’s kid. And from what I’ve read this is totally normal behavior and I’m not actually supposed to discourage it because he’s experimenting with his voice, pitch, and volume in preparation to talk. I wish we could experiment a little more quietly, but apparently when he finds his voice, he’s going to be a loud talker just like his dad.


My husband has no “inside voice,” only one volume, extremely loud.

But this is a truly horrendous, glass-breaking, eye-popping sound and sometimes it’s accompanied by his face turning bright red from exertion, and other times it’s also accompanied by him balling up his fists and making a very dissatisfied face. This usually happens after he’s been screaming for a bit and has not accomplished whatever the goal of his screaming was, or if I take something away from him that he wanted, usually my phone.


I think my 11 month old might have anger management issues.

Maybe I should practice my skills from work, be solution-oriented and suggest we have a nice, calm employee-boss conversation about this problem. Listen kid. I know you’re upset, but there’s no need to yell. There are worse things in life than someone not feeding you a piece of cantaloupe fast enough. You’re at a 10 and I could use you at a 2. Capiche? If that doesn't work, I’m not sure if I’m going to make it through this phase. I feel like I live with a Pterodactyl. Also did you know that was spelled with a silent P? Weird. Also did you know there are YouTube videos of people having Pterodactyl screaming contests? If there were cash prizes I would enter my son because we are winning, and my eardrums are losing…

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