• J Mess

BEDTIME

If only it was just a story and not real.


I'll admit not everything about this pandemic situation has been truly bad. I can make lemonade out of quarantine lemons. Yes it's awful that so many people are getting sick and have lost loved ones. Yes it's concerning that so many people seem to suddenly be acting like coronavirus was "so last week." Yes I've probably spent thousands of dollars ordering insane amounts of unnecessary things and bizarrely trendy 90s clothing to be delivered to my house from Target. But also I've been able to watch Sydney reach milestones during her first year of life. I've been able to literally spend every minute of the day with my cat. And we've potty trained Nate and moved him to a big-boy bed. You know what they say. When one door closes, open the gates around your child's bed and make tons of more problems for yourself.


Nathan's pandemic sleeping is all out of whack. We haven't napped in 4 months. And these days he goes to bed around 10pm. Because his bedtime rituals take hours. First we have to convince him to go upstairs by telling him that it's really late and all of us are going to sleep. Because usually that's true, at least for me. He doesn't want to sleep and would much prefer to watch his iPad for eternity but since he can't tell time, we continue to implore that it's the middle of the night and he must go to sleep. Once upstairs, he refuses to put on his pull-ups, insisting that he cannot possibly wear the "toy story" ones, he only wears "Mickey Mouse." And since all the mouse ones are gone, bedtime can't happen. I applaud his game, but I'm also SO over this game.


Listen kid, just put Woody on your woody and let's call it a night

After he's finally in his pajamas the real fun starts. He has to wash his hands 15 times in the bathroom. Then he has to put the toothpaste on his toothbrush by himself and proceed to squeeze it out all over the sink. This is immediately followed by him using 35 tiny bathroom cups to rinse out his mouth. Then he pees. When we head to his room, he has to shut the light off himself with the step stool that was in the bathroom. So he runs full speed from his room back to the bathroom and drags it loudly along the floor into his room. After the light goes off, he says he has to pee again. Out we go back to the bathroom. This happens a couple more times and then when the "boy who cried pee" act is over, he has to shut the door to his room.


Once in his bed, every single one of his stuffed animals has to be placed with him one at a time while being simultaneously named. "Peppa Pig," "Candy cat," "Daddy moose." Then he proceeds to throw them at my face. Literally. Beens me with pigs. Hard. Next he wants water. And cheese. And does not agree to go to sleep until I threaten to leave his room. This entire process takes over an hour and is completely and utterly absurd. Then I have to lay on his floor until he falls asleep and crawl out on my hands and knees to escape without waking him up.


Why in the world would anyone do this EVER let alone every night, you ask? I really have no idea. This has just become our new normal. And I lack the energy to change it. Thanks coronavirus! On the bright side, this insane ritual prevents the main problem most people encounter when moving a toddler to a bed. Nathan never gets out of his bed. No coming downstairs after we thought we put him to bed. No showing up in our room staring at us at ungodly hours of the morning. He goes right to sleep and when he wakes up at 9:30am, he screams for us to come and get him. Clearly this cannot continue to go on if he goes back to school in September, so I'll just add this to the list of problems for Future Jessica...


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