• J Mess


It's the most wonderful time of the year if you're a virus.

No, s'not the holidays. S'not the season of giving. It's the inevitable season of constant child sickness. What I affectionately call the snot season. Basically the entire time between September and March that my toddler's nose is running. Nonstop running. Like how is it possible a tiny human can make so much mucus? And he can't blow his nose yet. And he's way over the Nose Frida. So instead the snot waterfall runs down his face either ending up right in his mouth, getting wiped away by his hands and ending up on everything in my house, or drying into a giant snot nose plug the likes of which have never been seen. He woke up one morning and I literally thought boogers had taken over his face. They were smeared all over his cheek, in his eyelashes, and his nostrils were completely crusted shut and green.

I was hoping that eventually we'd kick this thing, but it's been weeks and weeks of constant snot production. And apparently there's nothing we can do. It's not in his lungs or his ears. He doesn't have a fever. In fact, in mommy-world this apparently doesn't even count as being sick. I told one of my mom-friends that he had a runny nose and she said "oh that's not sick, that's just status quo from now til Spring." Wonderful.

Cleaning snot is now my new full-time job. Executive nose wiper. Snotsisstant. VP of snot removal.

I get a ton of my baby stuff on Subscribe and Save from Amazon Prime. It's great. I need it every month and every month it gets sent to me automatically. One of the recurring items are "Boogie Wipes." Back in my "buying a different wipe for everything" phase, I liked these for cleaning his nose. And in my mommy haste, I forgot to remove them from my subscription and received package after package of them over the summer. They were piled up all over my house. Why do I need these? What am I going to do with all of these?, I remember thinking. Well, now I have an answer. On average I use 15 Boogie Wipes a day. I wipe, put it down, walk away, and have to wipe again. Even with reusing them until they are completely gross or dry, I will deplete my summer stockpile in about a week. Alexa, time to reorder.

My parents were out visiting the other weekend and concerned about my son's constant snotting and coughing. I explained that he was just at the doctor and there isn't much we can do for him. You can't give cold medicine or decongestant to a child his age. All we can do is try to elevate his crib mattress. Which I did by shoving a pillow under one side, but he just slides to the bottom every night. Fail. Or put a humidifier in his room. Which we did, but honestly that thing is nasty and even if you clean it everyday it just blows mold all over the room. Fail. Or try to get the snot out by using a nasal spray and aspirator. First part fail (he went nuts), second part don't even bother.

Trying to aspirate a toddler is about as successful as trying to bathe a feral cat.

Even with all these things, my mom went up to check on him that night and came down to report that it was very cold in his room and maybe he needed a blanket and footie pajamas. Sure, I'm obviously not trying to make a Nathansicle here. I don't want him to be sick and I am open to all plausible suggestions. So we gave him a blanket and went out to buy him some new pajamas, set him down to sleep the next night and it's still freezing in his room. My dad walked over to the vent in the ceiling across the room and said, "is this where your heat comes out?" Then realized his foolishness because we have baseboard heat, walked back over, looked down and said... "um no, that's where it comes from...," as we both noticed at the same time that the radiator was closed. No wonder it's so cold in his room. I've been putting my child to sleep in an igloo for months. Fail...

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