• J Mess


When I don't get my packages I get very agitated.

It finally happened. Someone stole my Amazon Prime package. No not some random package stealing lowlife who rides around at holiday time and always gets caught on people's Ring doorbells sneaking up to your stoop and running away with your boxes. It was my neighbor. And okay, maybe they didn't necessarily steal it. It got mistakenly delivered to their house. How do I know that? Amazon takes a photo when they drop your package as proof that they delivered it. And when I realized my package was not delivered and opened the photo, as you can see, it was not my house.

I waited all day for my package. It's like my lifeblood now. It's like a drug. It's the most exciting thing in my day. And yes I'm aware of how pathetic that sounds. I check the door about 400 times an hour. I'd order anything just to see that happy little package sitting outside on my doorstep. So when it never came, I was confused. Where was my daily high? I need it. I'm starting to twitch. Give. me. my. Amazon. Then I saw it. The picture. The stoop that wasn't mine. Cue the tragic music. Someone else got my daily high?? More accurately someone else got my baby wipes, cat food, and childproof ipad case for a decade old ipad. Real jackpot there.

I waited a day. A whole freaking day. I drove past their house to see if the package was still out there. It wasn't. I contemplated angrily, I mean nicely, knocking on their door and demanding my package back. I know you have it. I have photographic proof. Why are you getting so upset?, my husband asked. This can easily be solved, why don't you just go over there and get it? Even when I contacted Amazon customer service they asked if I'd checked with my neighbors and looked all around the outside of my house. Wait a minute here. You delivered it to the wrong address. It's not my job to hunt it down and deliver it to myself.

I order things online because I don't want to go outside or talk to people.

I mean really Amazon. Shame on you. You're a billion dollar company. On average I order something from you 3 to 5 times a week. Everyone makes mistakes but you can't just re-send me my $30 package? How is that not the immediate response to your mistake? My choices are to march down the street and ask strangers to return my rightful belongings or allow my cat to starve? What if I didn't even know where the package was incorrectly delivered? Now I have to be a package Nancy Drew and a package bounty hunter? Luckily I recognized the house in the photo. Which somehow simultaneously made it better and worse that I knew my package was 40 yards from me and I can't have it. And then I thought why wouldn't they just return it? You live 2 houses down from me. It's the right thing to do. You don't even have a cat. Oh AND, when we mistakenly got YOUR Duluth Trading Company and Weather Tech packages last year, my husband walked them down the street to your house in the middle of the night. Guess we should have kept your manly work jeans and luxury pickup truck floor mats.

I was still angry and scheming a couple hours later when the doorbell rang. It was the UPS guy and outside on my stoop was one package from GAP and my Amazon box. Did he have my package? Did the neighbor bring it by earlier? Did the Amazon guy post the wrong photo? Was my package ever mis-delivered, or just late? Why did this consume my entire day? The world may never know...

Thanks for reading this year! Happy holidays and see you in 2019!


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