• J Mess

ALONE

It was once my go-to karaoke song and now it's all I want.


I love being alone. My ideal evening is spent on the couch, eating a giant bowl of pasta, watching my DVR, with nobody talking to me. No offense husband. I've known plenty of people who can't sit still and always needed to be out doing something with someone, but I'd much rather be by myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, family, and of course my child. But I am still somewhat selfish. You'd think I'd be over that since most of my friends had kids at 30 and I've had almost a whole extra decade to just do me. But still you don't realize until you become a parent exactly how much of your life becomes completely consumed by your children. All of it. And yes everyone talks about the importance of "me time" and I'm certainly not complaining. I get plenty of time while Nathan is in school everyday, but all the other times, it's pedal to the metal. It's all Nathan, all the time.


Quiet. Peaceful. Nobody touching me with cantaloupe hands. It's like a dream never to be.

Yup, I'm selfish. As in, I'd like to go to the bathroom without anyone following me in, pinching my leg, shutting the door and then screaming. Or I'd like to sit down for 30 seconds before I'm being yelled at for more snack or more milk. It's like he waits for my behind to hit the couch before he realizes there's something else he would like to have. He couldn't possibly ask for it all at once and make my trips to the kitchen more efficient and less frequent. I'm like a mom-in-a-box, constantly jumping up for the next thing he's demanding the second that I sit down. And he does not have a short memory. When I say "in a minute, mommy just sat down" he asks me every 3 seconds for the next 5 minutes until I get it. "Milk? Milk! Milk!!!!! Miiilllllk!!!" Or just for one day I'd like to not be smacked in the face, scratched, or used as a human jungle gym. I mean really is this too much to ask?


I'm now currently getting kicked from the outside AND the inside at the exact same time. The pure definition of mommyhood.

I've been so busy fulfilling all of Nathan's needs that I've basically forgotten I'm pregnant. And therefore actually am never ever truly alone. Someone asked me the other day how far along I was, and I said "uhhh, 22? 24 weeks? I honestly don't even know." The only times I remember I'm pregnant are when Nathan takes off at full speed and I can barely catch him, I have trouble lifting him into his high chair or crib, he tries to body slam me and I have to yell "not on mommy's stomach," or I'm so tired I might pass out wherever we are for no reason. And sadly this is the easy part. Because once this other one comes out, I can forget about ever being alone again.


So I am desperate to capitalize on my alone (read: kid-free) time while I still can. So desperate in fact, that I actually went into the senior citizen section at the town pool the other day. The larger area was filled with kids splashing, jumping, and screaming, so I broke down and moved into the old person section so I could relax against the wall while they bopped up and down the lane. It was a low moment and I felt a little stupid. I have my own kid, surely I can handle being in a section with other kids playing. But then again, my kid isn't at the pool, so why should I have to deal with that when I want to relax alone. So in the old person section is where I stayed, until it was time to get out of the pool, and I had to cross through the larger section to access stairs my giant pregnant butt could actually manage, and promptly got hit square in the face with a kid's football... I guess I deserved that...

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